The ultimate pain

I imagine her last moments, the suffering, the physical pain, the mental anguish...scared, hurt, alone, with no one to help her, to give her comfort, to show her love...did she know these were the last moments of her existence in the reality, what was she thinking of?...why does so much suffering has to come to people...

***

Body without heart and soul...might as well be dead...That is the end of life...

Can the world get any worse?...

I suppose so, but it does feel like the bottom...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svxP2LjBg_4&feature=related
"Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvkXyq6qfEY

"I Hate Myself For Losing You"

I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no

I hate myself for losing you
(I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything you said
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every day you shout
"Don't ever bring him back again?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B20PorkijXg

"If I Can't Have You"

Hearts break too fast when they're sentimental
Won't stay, won't last when it's love at first sight
So why are my convictions blinded by your spotlight
Can't breath, can't sleep
Need some medication
I've kissed goodbye to my reservations
I know there's other fish out in the seas
Not for me
I want you


If I can't have you
Then I don't want anyone
I don't want anyone
If I can't have you
Then only damage has been done, baby
We can break these rules
If you wanna have some fun
If you wanna have some fun
Think of all the love that you will lose
If I can't have you
If I can't have you

Heartbeat cold sweat
Thoughts slippin' under
Can't fight no threat
'Cause there's just no use
One look, no hesitation I'm slipping into you
Forgive these eyes, these lips you're tastin'
No time to waste on an invitation
My shame, my self-control has suffered enough
And everybody wants to be loved
If I can't have you
If I can't have you
I haven't seen the best that love has had to offer
They say perfection's always right around the corner
Could be true
But if I can't have you
If I can't have you
If I can't have you
If I can't have you
Think of all the love that you will lose
If I can't have you

Where am I...

I feel that I do not belong...as if parts of one's life are protected from me, as if I am held away, as if there is a need to not let me in...or do I just imagine it...

The complexity of the mind

The complexity of our thoughts, emotions, actions, our entire life is created in the eternal connections of our mind. The subconsciousness drives every aspect of our identity and yet we cannot unravel it, analyze it or control it. Its very existence is denied by our always powerful, protective consciousness. How deep, how complex it is we cannot even imagine or believe, the reality and the perceptions tangled together, leaving us wandering in mental uncertainty, questioning every condition. Is there desire to protect the place of escape from the reality of me? Is there a place for me in that existential niche? Or is it a drive to preserve alternate state formulation? Is there a subconscious wish to face the past realities again, to see and feel them, a search for reconnection? Regret that they have come to pass?

Fear...

We are all afraid of something...Illness, darkness, loneliness, hurt, betrayal, misery, death...The gloomy rain and piercing wind in the falling night penetrate my heart, engulfing it in cold darkness...Do I not deserve love and happiness? Are my mistakes so unforgivable that I would lose my happiness and will spend my life in sad misery and guilt? I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid to lose my happiness - then I might as well be dead, because my soul will die and my body will continue to exist as an empty shell carrying only a logical emotionless mind...until the mind and the body give up as well...Devastation without chance...

Unexplicable sadness...

Sadness engulfs me, permeates through my soul and hurts...It has appeared inexplicably, without reason or connection to my life. Why it has absorbed into my, where it has come from, I do not know and that makes it impossible to fight it, to escape its suffocating embrace...Warm, sunny bright spring elates the life around me to happy, exuberant level. And yet, I am in deep state of sadness that I cannot seem to extinguish. I need it to go away!

Love lost

It feels like the world is ending...I love deeply and I have lost his love by my own fault...

It is painful to stare your failures in the face, to realize too late that you have lost the most amazing life that you had and could have had, that you have brought yourself and someone else such pain and loss...

Lost love

В залеза на всяка вяра
настъпват мрак и тишина,
В залеза на всяка обич
настъпват болка и тъга.
Когато някой си отива,
нямаш сили да го спреш,
Когато виждаш че една любов умира,
не можеш с нея да умреш.
Разбираш, че мечтите са измама,
че си обичала, но обич вече няма,
че споменът е болка отлетяла,
че си била щастлива, но не си разбрала.

***

Tired Of everything around me
I smile But I don't feel a thing no
I'm so far from where I need to be
I've given up on faith, on everything
There's a hole Inside of me
It's so cold Slowly killing me

***

If I can't have you
Then I don't want anyone
I don't want anyone
If I can't have you
Then only damage has been done, baby
Think of all the love that you will lose
If I can't have you
Heartbeat cold sweat
Thoughts slippin' under
Can't fight no threat
'Cause there's just no use
One look, no hesitation I'm slipping into you
Forgive these eyes, these lips you're tastin'
No time to waste on an invitation
My shame, my self-control has suffered enough
And everybody wants to be loved
If I can't have you If I can't have you

Shattered reality

Utter happiness followed by unbearable heartbreak... Lines crossed irrevocably...Failures unforgivable and unforgiven...Shattered hopes and dreams...Fractured existence...The world will go on...Will I?...

Getting back my life

I have my life back, my balance, my purpose, my strength. I want to love and be loved, to make happy and be made happy. I will live with the hurt of the past and the regrets, but now I am stronger, better me, happy with my self. Someone told me that if I cannot be happy with myself, i cannot be happy with other person. I want to be happy with myself, so that I can make another person happy.
I have my life back!

New beginning.

I am clearing my mind, my soul (if I have one), my emotions, my life. I am tired of fighting my own emotional deamons, waking up at night, struggling to find peace...
I have found my peace and balance, finally!!!

Understanding...or lack thereof

I wished I understood the world, the people...I think all the time, I analyze every little event, I leave no stone in my mind unturned. And at the end, I still have no answers. I am not even sure that I am asking the right questions. I understand others very little and I understand myself even less...

The proximity of pain

Happiness and hurt always hold together. Moments of exultation are followed by moments of despondency. I feel elated and I enjoy life only to find that I am brought down by overwhelming anguish. The joy is replaced by desolation. Sadly, the people that we care about the most cause us the worst pain. They are the closest to us, they carry the greatest significance in our lives, but they also know us so well that they have the ability to and often do bring the deepest sorrow. Damage that penetrates deep into the soul and never heals. Complete recovery is often unattainable.

The ephemeral happiness

Elusive brief moments of happiness in life dissolve in the infinity of mundane existence, struggle and hurt. Shared emotional and sensual moment on top of a hill overlooking a beautiful romantic city makes you feel utterly happy and you feel that you have found your place in life, that you belong to this place, time, person...Until it disappears, escaping from you, leaving you hurt, lost and wondering if it was real or if you just imagined it...We think that we matter, that we are important individually, but in the global scheme of things we are just a moment, easily forgotten...