The ephemeral happiness

Elusive brief moments of happiness in life dissolve in the infinity of mundane existence, struggle and hurt. Shared emotional and sensual moment on top of a hill overlooking a beautiful romantic city makes you feel utterly happy and you feel that you have found your place in life, that you belong to this place, time, person...Until it disappears, escaping from you, leaving you hurt, lost and wondering if it was real or if you just imagined it...We think that we matter, that we are important individually, but in the global scheme of things we are just a moment, easily forgotten...

Mind control

The brain is powerful in controlling everything but itself. I can ecape my emotions, I can suppress what I feel, but I cannot control the thoughts blasting through my neurons. I have to learn to let go, to block the persistence of him in my head. However, I am powerless to do so. The world does not care about me, I mean little. Still, I am unable to gain control over thinking about, feeling for, missing and needing the world in his emotional and physical sense.

Existential crisis

My existence is uncertain. My choices are unclear. My realities confused. The one that I have and the one that I wish for. The one that makes me fulfilled and the one that makes me happy but does it really exist? Is it better to have happiness and pain or to not have either? I need to get over the emotions and get back to my balance and control. I have to let go of my dream so that my dream can find peace and happiness. I can handle the pain, it will go away some day. And I will be in emotionless, painless, balanced state just as I have always been. The existential black hole will disappear…

 

Lost

I am lost...The words reverberate in my brain and there is no escape. I am lost in the reality and I am lost in the dreams. A reality that takes the life out of me. Dreams that pull me out of the darkness...only to plunge me back in. Utter happiness and crushing sadness. I am lost and I have lost an amazing part of my life. I cannot let go. How could I not. Someone once told me that if it is meant to be, it will be. I wished I could have faith in that. Life, love, loss. Shattered...Before I could have the chance to be whole.

Emotional control

It is exhausting to maintain control of your life, of your emotions....I keep controlling them, because I know that if I do not, I will be so hurt that it is scary to even imagine. I have always protected myself and so I have not been hurt much. I am not sure that I would know how to recover from pain...It gets harder and harder to control things and keep myself safe on my own, I feel that the effort to protect me is draining all my emotional energy...And it is so tempting to just let go and let the emotions take me where they will...But the end result is absolutely clear to me, there is no possible happy outcome from that for me at all, it will be very painful and destructive to me...And i cannot afford that...I have to do what I can to protect myself from emotions!!!

The journey.

I embarked on a journey of excitement and rediscovery. I thought I was searching for something. However, I realized that I did not need or want to find anything. Instead I was escaping to protect myself from precariousness, uncertainty and emotional vulnerability. I needed to resolve this unsettledness and find my balance…

My journey was filled with joy and exhilaration. Amazing experiences made my life fulfilling and brought me better understanding of myself and others…

And then I experienced something that I was not prepared for. An overwhelming emotional, intellectual and sensual existence that I had not wanted but I could not let go off. Where do I go from here…

The failures of the personality....

I am facing my demons now...I have been taking care of everyone, trying to straighten their lives to avoid facing myself. Although I would like to think that there is some spontaneous good in me that prompts me to help others not only for selfish reasons, but I am not sure... I hope, although I doubt it, that whatever good I do would be enough to make up for all the misery and all the hurt that I have inflicted and continue to inflict...

I have avoided being alone because I would actually have to face the imperfect person that I am...I should ask forgiveness for all the times I have criticized others, because, whether my criticisms are true or not, I, being the failed person that I am, have no right to comment at all.

I need to say it out loud...

I need to see if I can repair myself as a person and how, rather than to see the ways that I have failed...My failures I unfortunately know, but at times I choose to ignore...Sometimes it is hard to look at myself in the mirror... Because I face the fact that I am not in reality the person that I want to be and it is terribly disappointing. I am so sorry...

Collision of the alternate realities

We live our lives such as they are, we adapt them to our needs and desires, accommodate the unchangeable, adjust our expectations. And hopefully achieve balance, if not happiness. Accept the reality... Unpredictably, series of unanticipated events draw us into an alternate state of reality. Or unreality, more likely... just an illusion, a perception that exists only in our consciousness. A hurricane of emotions, sensations, thoughts, associations that persist in our mind. A relative state formulation. A collision of two realities, enough to create existential uncertainty, confusion about the true nature of our reality, feeling of surrealness...Do we exist? ? In which reality? Do any of the realities exist?

At the end, we have not found the happiness, and we have lost the balance, the control of the reality...