Understanding...or lack thereof

I wished I understood the world, the people...I think all the time, I analyze every little event, I leave no stone in my mind unturned. And at the end, I still have no answers. I am not even sure that I am asking the right questions. I understand others very little and I understand myself even less...

The proximity of pain

Happiness and hurt always hold together. Moments of exultation are followed by moments of despondency. I feel elated and I enjoy life only to find that I am brought down by overwhelming anguish. The joy is replaced by desolation. Sadly, the people that we care about the most cause us the worst pain. They are the closest to us, they carry the greatest significance in our lives, but they also know us so well that they have the ability to and often do bring the deepest sorrow. Damage that penetrates deep into the soul and never heals. Complete recovery is often unattainable.

The ephemeral happiness

Elusive brief moments of happiness in life dissolve in the infinity of mundane existence, struggle and hurt. Shared emotional and sensual moment on top of a hill overlooking a beautiful romantic city makes you feel utterly happy and you feel that you have found your place in life, that you belong to this place, time, person...Until it disappears, escaping from you, leaving you hurt, lost and wondering if it was real or if you just imagined it...We think that we matter, that we are important individually, but in the global scheme of things we are just a moment, easily forgotten...

Mind control

The brain is powerful in controlling everything but itself. I can ecape my emotions, I can suppress what I feel, but I cannot control the thoughts blasting through my neurons. I have to learn to let go, to block the persistence of him in my head. However, I am powerless to do so. The world does not care about me, I mean little. Still, I am unable to gain control over thinking about, feeling for, missing and needing the world in his emotional and physical sense.

Existential crisis

My existence is uncertain. My choices are unclear. My realities confused. The one that I have and the one that I wish for. The one that makes me fulfilled and the one that makes me happy but does it really exist? Is it better to have happiness and pain or to not have either? I need to get over the emotions and get back to my balance and control. I have to let go of my dream so that my dream can find peace and happiness. I can handle the pain, it will go away some day. And I will be in emotionless, painless, balanced state just as I have always been. The existential black hole will disappear…

 

Lost

I am lost...The words reverberate in my brain and there is no escape. I am lost in the reality and I am lost in the dreams. A reality that takes the life out of me. Dreams that pull me out of the darkness...only to plunge me back in. Utter happiness and crushing sadness. I am lost and I have lost an amazing part of my life. I cannot let go. How could I not. Someone once told me that if it is meant to be, it will be. I wished I could have faith in that. Life, love, loss. Shattered...Before I could have the chance to be whole.

Emotional control

It is exhausting to maintain control of your life, of your emotions....I keep controlling them, because I know that if I do not, I will be so hurt that it is scary to even imagine. I have always protected myself and so I have not been hurt much. I am not sure that I would know how to recover from pain...It gets harder and harder to control things and keep myself safe on my own, I feel that the effort to protect me is draining all my emotional energy...And it is so tempting to just let go and let the emotions take me where they will...But the end result is absolutely clear to me, there is no possible happy outcome from that for me at all, it will be very painful and destructive to me...And i cannot afford that...I have to do what I can to protect myself from emotions!!!

The journey.

I embarked on a journey of excitement and rediscovery. I thought I was searching for something. However, I realized that I did not need or want to find anything. Instead I was escaping to protect myself from precariousness, uncertainty and emotional vulnerability. I needed to resolve this unsettledness and find my balance…

My journey was filled with joy and exhilaration. Amazing experiences made my life fulfilling and brought me better understanding of myself and others…

And then I experienced something that I was not prepared for. An overwhelming emotional, intellectual and sensual existence that I had not wanted but I could not let go off. Where do I go from here…

The failures of the personality....

I am facing my demons now...I have been taking care of everyone, trying to straighten their lives to avoid facing myself. Although I would like to think that there is some spontaneous good in me that prompts me to help others not only for selfish reasons, but I am not sure... I hope, although I doubt it, that whatever good I do would be enough to make up for all the misery and all the hurt that I have inflicted and continue to inflict...

I have avoided being alone because I would actually have to face the imperfect person that I am...I should ask forgiveness for all the times I have criticized others, because, whether my criticisms are true or not, I, being the failed person that I am, have no right to comment at all.

I need to say it out loud...

I need to see if I can repair myself as a person and how, rather than to see the ways that I have failed...My failures I unfortunately know, but at times I choose to ignore...Sometimes it is hard to look at myself in the mirror... Because I face the fact that I am not in reality the person that I want to be and it is terribly disappointing. I am so sorry...

Collision of the alternate realities

We live our lives such as they are, we adapt them to our needs and desires, accommodate the unchangeable, adjust our expectations. And hopefully achieve balance, if not happiness. Accept the reality... Unpredictably, series of unanticipated events draw us into an alternate state of reality. Or unreality, more likely... just an illusion, a perception that exists only in our consciousness. A hurricane of emotions, sensations, thoughts, associations that persist in our mind. A relative state formulation. A collision of two realities, enough to create existential uncertainty, confusion about the true nature of our reality, feeling of surrealness...Do we exist? ? In which reality? Do any of the realities exist?

At the end, we have not found the happiness, and we have lost the balance, the control of the reality...

Thorn humans...

“There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life... it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to outcarol the lark and the nightingale. ....One superlative song, existence the price... For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain… Or so says the legend."

All the struggle...for a moment of bliss...The happiness is fleeting but the pain seems to last for eternity...Is it really worth it?

Betrayal

I do not trust people...

Holding back in relationships has become second nature - there is always an invisible wall, behind which your soul is protected, untouchable. You never completely give yourself to the relationship. When it is over, there may be pain, but it is transient, survivable, not destructive. You turn to your protected core and your trusted friends and you recover, maybe darker inside, but still whole.

Friendship betrayal is the ultimate emotional darkness. If you hold back from a friendship, it is not a true friendship. You do not build walls and when the friendship fails, there is no protection. When relationship breaks, you reach to your friends to help you get through. When friends betray you, who do you turn to? You start ques

tioning any loyalty, any connection that you have ever had. There is nothing to believe in but yourself. Unfortunately, the friendship betrayal strikes at your core and leaves you broken without anyone to rely on, even yourself, unable to repair the emotional damage...

I do not trust anyone....

Nonsense and sensibility

The confusion of conflicting emotions can be a staggering predicament. We think that we know what we want and we proceed with our unwavering beliefs in what is right for us and what is not. Until an unexpected event turns our world upside down, shattering the seemingly solid balance that we have worked so hard to build. It challenges our convictions and forces us to reevaluate the premises on which we have constructed our projected future.

I hate the moments of weakness...

I have seen all, I have done all, I am above all... I have accepted life such as it is and I am stable and untouchable...You feel what you feel and you do not feel what you do not, I tell people. It is what it is. And so I am impermeable to emotions, happy or sad. I can control what I feel, what I believe, how I behave...Until the moments of weakness shatter my resistance, my common sense, my stability, my truths...Where do I go from there? Continue or start anew? Is this me anymore?

Emotional transience

We have become entities in transition. The events of our lives fly by in an endless stream. The connections we form are fleeting, short-lived. We seem to bestow our feelings readily, yet they are ephemeral, wanting in depth and strength. We share our intimacy and love, our past memories, present experiences and future dreams easily and effortlessly thus devaluing the meaning of the sharing. We initiate friendships and relationships effortlessly and just as easily abandon them with little hesitation, remaining unscarred and oblivious to the hurt we leave behind. Emotional experiences fail to confer a lasting trace in our minds.
Our need for human connections remains. However, it has been transformed from enduring relationships to intense but passing attachments, resolution of which leaves us seeking the next person to temporarily fulfill our needs and then the one after. We have lost our ability to unreservedly dedicate ourselves to someone else, to nurture the deep bound that endures the happiest and the most tragic of times, to place the other person above ourselves and to receive their devotion in return.
The unremitting quest of the elusive perfect relationship is destined to fail in the vicious circuit created by our own imperfections. Our inability to sustain our feelings for our mate and to nurture their sentiments when the excitement of the novelty of the association has disappeared leads us to abandon a potentially life-defining relationship in the pursuit of the next better-suited person. Or give up when we fail…And accept that in a world full of humans, we are utterly alone…

The other me...

I am who I am...The person that I want to be, the sensitive, caring, optimistic, believing in people...the good person...it is disappearing and I have more difficulty finding her. The real me, the insensate, distant, protected by a wall cynic...I have been her and I am more deeply becoming her, loosing hope and hold on the good me. I would blame the "world" for loosing this battle to become the good person that I should be...However, the cynic-me believes in everyone taking responsibility for who they are, what they believe and feel and how they behave. Trying to be better is painful. Being a cynic is easier, and helps to avoid pain. So, the truth is that I am who I am by my own choice...

The absolute aloneness.

I love the Big City. I feel its pulse beat in synchrony with mine and we, the City and I, are alive together. The life never stops here. The light is always there to illuminate the incessant activity, accompanied by endless stream of sounds. There is never absolute darkness or complete silence. I may be lonely, but I am never alone. Someone is awake, infusing life into the City, sharing our common heart beat. The thought of existing in a quieter, darker place, where life stills, has always seemed inconceivable to me, almost terrifying.

I stepped into the Sahara desert. I walked in the middle of the night, far away from the camp, until the lights and sounds of it could no longer reach me. I was alone.

The almost full moon illuminated the endless sand dunes with eerie calmness. The bright stars in the clear dark sky surrounded me, enfolded me into the infinite universe. No movement or sound, not even my own breathing, disrupted the tranquility of the moment. The space and the time stood still. Sense of utter peace permeated into my entire being. There was no joy or sadness. Fear, guilt, regrets, yearning had all disappeared. I lost myself to find myself.

The absolute aloneness.

The collapse of the reality.

The moments that torture the soul – bleak, gloomy, emotionally devastating. In those moments it feels like all the pressure of my reality collapses on me. Nothing is right and everything is wrong. All my past and present failures, hurt, guilt, are hunting me. A seemingly endless string of chaotic thoughts is racing through my brain. My mind leaps from one tumultuous event to another. The overwhelming sense of despair, self-doubt, emptiness, hopelessness engulfs me and for a fraction of time there seems no way out.

At the end, I find myself and remember the entities that define me. The reality starts to expand again.

The soul of the city.

The city has a soul that connects with mine, it matches my rhythm, it resonates with my emotions. I spent days walking around, feeling the buildings, the streets, the parks…and the people.

I came here looking for something, not knowing what that something was. Emotions. Experiences. Answers, I thought instinctively. However, I did not even have the questions. I was trying to find my stable quantum self, to achieve comprehension and equipoise. An exit from the existential black hole.

I found a paradox. Ecstatic times of exultation. Quiet times of soul searching. Sensual times of physical and emotional connections. The reflection of myself in someone else. Being and feeling, without words. For one moment, I was free from the black hole. And then it was back. Had I really been free? The paradox - I imagined him, I wished him...But he was not real.

A parallel universe that will never be.